Adjusting Your Life Podcast Ep. 120 | Are You Living Someone Else’s Life?
Are You Living Someone Else’s Life
How much of your life has been shaped by expectations that were never truly yours?
In Episode 120 of the Adjusting Your Life Podcast, Dr. Stephen M. Ward, DC, and co-host Kennedi Hall explore how family experiences, early programming, and the desire for approval can influence the choices we make.
They discuss how inherited expectations can affect parenting, relationships, achievement, and self-worth—and why learning to recognize the voices guiding your decisions can help you begin choosing a direction that feels more authentic.
In This Episode
- How early experiences shape expectations
- Why we seek approval from other people
- The difference between outside validation and self-validation
- How family patterns influence parenting and relationships
- Recognizing whose voice is guiding your decisions
- Why words, encouragement, and self-awareness matter
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⚠️ Disclaimer
Dr. Stephen M. Ward, DC, is a licensed Doctor of Chiropractic in the state of California. The information shared in this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. Always consult a qualified healthcare professional regarding your individual health needs.
Transcript
This program is for informational, educational and entertainment purposes only.
Speaker A:The information provided in this podcast reflects the opinions and experiences of the hosts and is not medical or mental health advice.
Speaker A:Always consult a qualified healthcare professional regarding any questions about your health or well being.
Speaker A:If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, contact your local emergency services.
Speaker B:Welcome to the Adjusting youg Life podcast.
Speaker B:This is season two, episode 120.
Speaker B:Are you living someone else's life?
Speaker C:This episode of the Adjusting youg Life podcast is brought to you by Ward Chiropractic.
Speaker C:Dr. Steve finds what most doctors miss and his wall adjustment technique.
Speaker C:It can bring fast relief.
Speaker C:Check out Chiroman.com for hours location and to contact the clinic.
Speaker C:That's Chiroman C-H-I-R-O-M-A-N.com I'm Kennedy and I'm.
Speaker B:Here with Dr. Steve.
Speaker B:We're going to talk about borrowed expect today.
Speaker B:So, Dr. C. Yes.
Speaker B:Let's talk about the patterns that people have and essentially the life that they're currently living based on those patterns.
Speaker D:From early life.
Speaker D:Even in our fetal experience, we get impacted by trauma.
Speaker D:And then early on in life, we start learning from the people in our life and they start teaching us about what they learned.
Speaker D:And so often what we're finding is that people get programmed from the very early parts of their lifetime and they start living someone else's program, living someone else's expectation.
Speaker D:And so it's important to understand that this is true of all of us, that someone teaches us right and wrong, good and bad.
Speaker D:They teach us, oh, this is blue, this is green.
Speaker D:They're always teaching us different things that they think are important information to bring to that young child's life.
Speaker D:And so it's challenging for people because they bonded with other people's patterns of behavior for so long that they don't really start their early life from programs that are most healthy for themselves.
Speaker B:So for example, say someone has a baby and they're starting obviously right after they have the baby, they're immediately impacting that.
Speaker B:That baby.
Speaker B:What are some things that someone can do to stay out of the patterns that they have been living in their life, like with their baby.
Speaker B:So, for example, like, so, like when I had Mia, you know, one of the things that was important for me is to have her, like, sleep through the night, right?
Speaker B:And watching my mom with my younger siblings, there was a lot of maybe, like, what would be called, like, attachment parenting.
Speaker B:And I think for me, I wanted to do something different, which meant that I was, she.
Speaker B:She was going to sleep in the, like, her crib or, you know, sleep away from me and stuff like that.
Speaker B:Is there something in that that, you know, based on what I was seeing with my mom, that I was, like, not wanting to be like her?
Speaker B:So I started with on a different journey, which was having me asleep apart from.
Speaker B:From me.
Speaker D:Yes.
Speaker D:Well, you made a choice to do it differently than your mom.
Speaker D:But I think it's important that we, we take a step back here and we realize that going into.
Speaker D:Before that baby comes, are you, as a parent, as asking for a specific gender?
Speaker D:Do you want a boy?
Speaker D:Do you want a girl?
Speaker D:If you want a boy and you voice that over and over and over and you get a girl, then you must understand that that verbal command is going to impact that daughter you have.
Speaker D:So if you want a son and get a daughter, then you're going to produce more of a woman that's more comfortable and masculine than femin.
Speaker D:And in my case, my mom wanted a daughter and she got a son, so she ended up getting a son that was more emotionally sensitive.
Speaker D:And I think a lot of people can understand this.
Speaker D:In life, we can see it in our kids, but we can also see it in adults.
Speaker D:And how often, like, a woman might say, well, I'm the man and my husband is the female, or I will have hands.
Speaker D:Right?
Speaker D:So when we look at those things, that's about early programming.
Speaker D:That's about programming before, before that baby's born.
Speaker D:And then we must understand also about trauma surrounding fetal experience.
Speaker D:Is it a planned pregnancy?
Speaker D:Is it an unplanned pregnancy?
Speaker D:Are the parents coming from unplanned pregnancy?
Speaker D:Because the fetus is going to feel whether or not they are loved or whether they are rejected.
Speaker D:And so we all know that from fetal time to the first two years of a child's life, that's the time where the most programming is coming in, and then early childhood.
Speaker D:And so I want to just encourage people to be neutral.
Speaker B:Right, for sure.
Speaker B:I definitely think I have the feeling of wanting a girl, I think for.
Speaker B:Yeah, I, maybe because I, I wanted.
Speaker B:Maybe I thought I could relate to a, A girl.
Speaker B:I, I think the thought crossed my mind.
Speaker B:I also know that I wanted a healthy baby, like, you know, 12 fingers, 12 toes, for sure.
Speaker B:But I, yeah, I don't want to.
Speaker B:I, yeah, I definitely would like, wanted a girl.
Speaker B:I will admit that.
Speaker D:Yeah.
Speaker B:Because I think that's important.
Speaker B:I, I have to be honest with myself, you know, like, for sure.
Speaker B:So, yeah, I, I definitely, I think I want to say my husband at the time, I don't, I don't know actually if he had a preference.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker B:Maybe he had a preference for our son and then maybe thinking we would, you know, be followed by a daughter or something like that.
Speaker B:But.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker B:I do remember trying to be neutral in the beginning, but definitely, you know, for sure.
Speaker B:But I think that's important what you're talking about in terms of the reaction of the parent when you find out.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:Are you excited?
Speaker D:Are you unhappy?
Speaker D:Do you not want that child?
Speaker D:Because that happens a lot.
Speaker D:You know, they never really thought that as a result of that fun they would have a child.
Speaker D:And then one person goes to the other person with the expression of, oh, I'm pregnant.
Speaker D:And in that moment, it can be hit with a lot of emotions based on the traumas that have occurred within the parents and their fetal experience.
Speaker D:So just be mindful.
Speaker D:If you are wanting to impact the health of the fetus and the health of your child, it's going to start with being healthy prior to.
Speaker D:And so again, I just want to bring those points up because so often we want to start at, oh, the child's born, but what's happening before the child's born.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker D:Does that child feel loved in the womb?
Speaker D:Are the parents expressing love to that child?
Speaker D:Oh, I'm so thankful.
Speaker D:I'm so excited.
Speaker D:I'm so happy.
Speaker D:Is that mutual or is it not?
Speaker D:Because then you're going to see the impact of that very infancy of the story on your child's life that then grows up into a young adult and then an adult and you can see those traumas impacting that person's life.
Speaker B:So it probably would be a lot different when you don't find out the sex of the baby before the baby's born, then the baby's in growing in a neutral, really in a new.
Speaker B:Maybe a new neutrality, I guess.
Speaker D:Yeah, I think that's certainly good thing.
Speaker D:Can be.
Speaker D:But we can also just be conscious that whatever child I get, male or female, I'm going to love that child and I'm going to be thankful for that child.
Speaker D:And whatever they are, if they come out female, encourage them to, to be in their feminine.
Speaker D:Because so much of what we're seeing today is men who are in feminine and women who are in masculine.
Speaker D:But if we're encouraging them to be in their male or to be in their feet female and be comfortable in it and excited about it, I think it's going to produce a healthier outcome.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So let's talk about things people can do with their children to be in their feminine or in their, their masculine based on, based on gender.
Speaker B:Because I think that there might, there's a misconception based on things that I've heard from other people that, you know, if you give, you know, Barbies to girls, listen how that impacts them and you give, you know, swords to boys or GI Joes to boys, like, as if that impacts, I think there's a misconception is like that makes them boys and that other makes them girls.
Speaker B:Maybe we can talk about the parental role that's being played out in front of, of them.
Speaker B:The pattern, the pattern that the parents are in.
Speaker B:Because the, like you said, the most common I see is men more feminine, mother influenced, and then women more dominant, more in their masculine.
Speaker B:And those have a bigger impact on how the children are not the toys that they're playing with.
Speaker D:I agree with that.
Speaker D:I think, you know, it's important for fathers to tell their daughters how thankful they are that they had a daughter, how they love their little daughter, because of the point you brought up that so many times we're seeing more women in male dominance than men in female dominance.
Speaker D:And so it's so important.
Speaker D:It's also important for mothers to express to their sons how happy they are that they had a son for the father to express.
Speaker D:Oh, you know, I'm excited about that.
Speaker D:But go into it neutrally.
Speaker D:Whatever it is that you're blessed to have, be thankful for what you have.
Speaker D:And then be encouraging, encourage them to operate in male or female.
Speaker D:You know, encourage them, encourage the female to be in her feminine, to express her hurt, to feel things instead of.
Speaker D:What we see so often is there is a need to, oh, I'm going to deny that I'm hurt and I'm going to act like I'm not hurt.
Speaker D:And then when I get hurt, the female is going to be verbal.
Speaker D:But the same is true with the men out there on the planet who are attracting women who have father trauma.
Speaker D:Their need is to be receiving approval and validation from that female partner.
Speaker D:And when they get verbally criticized, they shut down, they don't want to communicate or they, if they, if the verbal criticism occurs for, you know, a longer time, you'll see men lose it emotionally, react emotionally.
Speaker D:And my job really is to give people insight that everything's about our words, how we use our words.
Speaker D:And are we, are we parents coming from a foundation of love within ourself?
Speaker D:And if we're, if we're coming from a foundation of love within ourselves, then it's going to feel way more real when they bring love to their kids.
Speaker D:And so I think we, I think if we're gonna shift the world, we start with the mastery of self love and begin.
Speaker D:Most people are like, oh, I want someone outside of me to love me who never even heard love, never learn to self love.
Speaker D:But then they put all the emphasis on their partner to love them for the wound of what they didn't receive.
Speaker D:So this is exciting to me because we can impact young lives in a very different way.
Speaker D:And it does mean that the parents programming is shifting from what they've experienced.
Speaker D:And that's where we start with giving kids a different view than the inheritance than the many generations of how people projected generationally.
Speaker B:Right, right.
Speaker B:So it can come back to the love commands that we've talked about, which we'll continue to talk about and talk about again too.
Speaker B:And just even in.
Speaker B:For me, it's something that I do something, you know, I dropped my daughter off at school and you know, remember to do your love commands.
Speaker B:And she walks away from the car.
Speaker B:But I know she's doing them in her mind and she's hearing it and it's, it's the best piece of advice I could give her.
Speaker B:Is, is not.
Speaker B:Is.
Speaker B:Is actually that foundation than anything.
Speaker B:Well, it gives her a foundation.
Speaker B:So then anything beyond that, like that she's mastering self love at this age, you know, she's a junior.
Speaker B:And that's I think, a gift that I can give her.
Speaker B:And you know, there's no, you know, it's, you can just give that to your child.
Speaker B:It doesn't cost anything.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And I think you can start embedding your commands, you know, showing self love and then build them up in that way.
Speaker B:And had, you know, had I started doing that with myself and her years ago, it would be, you know, we would have got an earlier start, you know, But I'm just thankful that we were able to start at some point.
Speaker B:And so for our audiences that listening, if they're someone's pregnant or they just had a child, this is something they can immediately start within themselves and, and with, you know, their children, which is amazing.
Speaker D:And because again, if you're a male father, then I choose to love the wonderful man I was created.
Speaker D:Created to be.
Speaker D:If you're a female, if the mother I choose to love the wonderful mother I was created to be.
Speaker D:And then, you know, that's good.
Speaker D:That's the good and the bad.
Speaker D:You know, loving is not just in the good, it's also in the bad.
Speaker D:Loving is when we don't like something about us.
Speaker D:We need to love that as much as when we like something about us unconditionally.
Speaker D:Yeah, neutrally.
Speaker B:Neutrally.
Speaker D:And so, but it's an exciting process to get the brain working towards love early on before the child comes into the world.
Speaker D:And then when the child comes, be prepared to express that love openly and help them to understand the importance of loving self early on in life.
Speaker B:I would say that, that, you know, that part is so important, even if not more important than, you know, as different studies are coming out about like, you know, the, you know, what a woman eats when she's pregnant and all of that kind of stuff and how that impacts the baby.
Speaker B:The.
Speaker B:What we're talking about is probably even more, you know, more important than even that.
Speaker B:You know what I mean?
Speaker D:Yeah.
Speaker D:I think that everything, it starts with a choice of love, then it develops into actions of love.
Speaker D:And actions of love would be eating properly or eating the best way possible to bring the healthiest outcome to the child.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:We'll be right back.
Speaker B:Welcome back.
Speaker B:We're going to talk about the approval trap.
Speaker B:So, Dr. Steve, let's talk about exactly that.
Speaker B:The approval trap that people get into in terms of looking for approval outside of themselves.
Speaker D:Well, the problem is that most people we want approval from have not mastered it.
Speaker D:So that's a trap right there.
Speaker D:We've discussed over and over the basic program.
Speaker D:If you do it, do it right, that belief or that program makes a person believe that when they do it right, they'll get approval.
Speaker D:But what happens when you look for it from someone who never received approval or, or never mastered approval?
Speaker D:So it's a big trap, you know, that.
Speaker D:And then that impacts the person their entire life because their root needed, they had a fantasy of a wounded person that they would be able to give them what they needed through approval or validation, encouragement or love.
Speaker D:And that's a big problem, though.
Speaker D:The way I see it, I see it all the time in people where they're doing amazing things.
Speaker D:They feel like what they're doing is not amazing at all.
Speaker D:And, and why would that be?
Speaker B:That would be because they are looking for someone else other than themselves to tell them they're doing a good job.
Speaker B:For, for some reason that has a higher value to them than them telling themselves they're doing a good job.
Speaker D:Yeah, they, they want approval and validation from the person that never mastered it.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker D:And they don't see that as a fantasy.
Speaker D:They see that as, oh, I'm not good enough.
Speaker D:If I didn't get it so I need to be better in order to.
Speaker B:Get it so they can go the better route.
Speaker B:Or what about like self deprecating where they feel like they're not enough and then they go in that, that mental like anguish trap where, which could be in, in conjunction with trying to continue to push and do better and, and waiting for that person.
Speaker B:You know, I mean I, I can speak for myself.
Speaker B:It started with wanting approval from my parents and then it expanded out and expanded out and expanded out over the course of 20 years to a lot of people that I wanted their approval or them to say that they're proud of me or that I was doing a good job.
Speaker B:And we talked about it before, but it was devastating is the word I would use in my earlier years when I didn't get it.
Speaker B:And it definitely had an impact in my self esteem, my self confidence.
Speaker D:Yes.
Speaker D:And everyone's being impacted by this misdirection and that's why we need to redirect it and we need to reframe it and we need to rewrite it.
Speaker D:And let's ask the question, have I seen the person who I want approval from giving them self approval?
Speaker D:Have I seen the person I want validation from giving them self validation?
Speaker D:Have I seen a person loving themselves prior to my fantasy that they're going to love me?
Speaker D:So I think we should always ask the question, am I seeking approval from someone who has mastered it or someone who has never mastered it?
Speaker D:Because if the person you want approval from has not mastered it, then what they are going to do is negate.
Speaker D:So everything's going to be in negation.
Speaker D:And so, and then you see people who attain such high level and they're still chasing it like oh, I'm going to make 10 million and then they want to make 20 million, then 50 million, 100 million.
Speaker D:Well, what's that chase about?
Speaker B:Well, so it's insatiable.
Speaker B:There's nothing that quenches that thirst.
Speaker D:Right?
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:Because again, the wound is where this story begins.
Speaker D:It's in the multi generational wound.
Speaker D:How many generations in your family history, how many of them mastered love?
Speaker D:How many of them mastered self validation or self approval?
Speaker D:Now what we're seeing is we go out with a program, if you do it, do it right.
Speaker D:And our brain says, oh, if I do it right, I'll be told I'm great.
Speaker D:But that is never the way it is.
Speaker D:And the minute someone comes in and says to what you just did that was great, that oh, you can do better, what they're telling you is they've never been validated.
Speaker B:Right, Right.
Speaker D:So if we see that in our emotional intelligence, then it allows us to change that really rapidly.
Speaker D:So, you know, build.
Speaker D:Helping that young child to build on their greatness, not to one day become great.
Speaker D:That's the biggest problem we face is people are wanting their.
Speaker D:Negating all the greatness of what they've done, and they're looking to attain greatness somewhere down the road instead of realizing, hey, did you give your best to what you did?
Speaker D:Yes.
Speaker D:Okay, then let's take a moment and celebrate that.
Speaker D:Let's help you to build on that.
Speaker D:Let's help you to start a list of the greatness of your life.
Speaker D:From early life through growing up and then adult life.
Speaker D:There must be an answer to when it's your best good enough.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:And it can't be never.
Speaker D:And when I ask that to my patients, when is your best good enough?
Speaker D:90% Of the time I get never.
Speaker D:And that's a program, and that's a generational program of being negated instead of celebrated.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker D:Yeah.
Speaker B:So some of the, the dialogue that I've changed with my daughter is I knew it was important for me when she was younger to tell her that I was proud of her because it's something that I don't recall, which doesn't mean it never happened.
Speaker B:I just, I don't recall my parents necessarily communicating that per se to us.
Speaker B:And so I made a point to do that with my daughter.
Speaker B:But now with the work that we've been doing and just my awareness growing, I have started to ask her if she's proud of herself because that's actually more important than me being proud of her, even though I can say, say that.
Speaker B:But I want to make sure, like, are you, are you proud of yourself and.
Speaker B:Or, you know, encouraging her to be, to even say that, you know, I'm proud of myself, Mom.
Speaker B:This is what I.
Speaker B:To change the dialogue instead of, you know, seeking it outside of herself, which is definitely there, you know, in whether it's her teachers or coaches.
Speaker B:But it's a work in progress and, you know, as she gets older, it's going to be something that is, you know, something that she's been practicing.
Speaker B:So I think that it's something that she's building on.
Speaker D:Yes, I think that's the key.
Speaker D:It's.
Speaker D:It's just taking a moment and acknowledge what the young child's doing.
Speaker D:Looking at it from an intentional energy.
Speaker D:Can I see my child's giving their best to what they're doing.
Speaker D:And every time that they do something amazing, take a moment, acknowledge it, celebrate it and then revisit it.
Speaker D:Look what you've done in your young life.
Speaker D:You have, you go to soccer and you show up every time on time and you practice hard and you, you know, are working as part of a team and you're, you know, help them to see that it's not just the outcome that matters, it's the journey that matters and the consistency that matters.
Speaker D:And, and help people to understand kids especially because so often it's going to be the kid who, you know, learns something emotionally and then helps the parent.
Speaker D:You know, it's not always a parent helping the child.
Speaker D:Most parents are stuck in generational wound.
Speaker D:So however there a lot of times parents are open to receive.
Speaker D:They just haven't really, that's hasn't been brought up to their consciousness.
Speaker B:So if we have young people listening, what would you suggest to them in terms of the dialogue they could have with their parents if they're feeling that their parents are currently negating them?
Speaker D:Well, one understand that a lot of parents negate because they were negated.
Speaker D:So it's important for the child to hey, am I giving my best?
Speaker D:Yes.
Speaker D:Then get in the pattern of recognizing that it needs to have a follow up.
Speaker D:Oh, that's, that's good enough for me because I'm really trying hard and giving my best here instead of just being so impacted by whether or not someone outside of them can support it or celebrate it.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:So it's not.
Speaker D:We would love to see parents understanding this and impacting their children's lives very early in life and impact them to really getting the pattern of celebration.
Speaker D:However, that doesn't always happen.
Speaker D:In a lot of cases it may never happen because someone may not ever gain the awareness to make that shift.
Speaker D:But if we can help young people understand, look at your own action, look at your own intention.
Speaker D:Ask yourself the question, am I giving my best?
Speaker D:Am I giving some?
Speaker D:Am I giving my worst?
Speaker D:And then when the child says, hey, I'm giving my best because what I meet all the time is high achievers and that never feel like their best is good enough.
Speaker D:So what's the story?
Speaker D:The story is negation.
Speaker D:We need to, we can change that, we can shift that and we can help people to see the greatness of their entire life.
Speaker D:Not one great event in their life.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:And so it's a bill, it's a building point.
Speaker D:I give my best day.
Speaker D:Yes, it's enough.
Speaker D:I'm gonna give my best.
Speaker D:Tomorrow is it enough?
Speaker D:Yes, it's enough.
Speaker D:Some days are best different if you're having physical pain, if you're exhausted, you know, our best might be different.
Speaker D:But even in those challenges, a person's giving their best.
Speaker D:They may not have the energy that they would if they were.
Speaker D:If they weren't exhausted.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:If someone's exhausted, they may still be giving their best, but they don't have the energy that they would have if they were abundant with their energy.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:What would you say to parents that have children that seem to be, you know what?
Speaker B:I guess from like a society perspective, sometimes children are floundering a bit, you know, or seem like they don't have a direction or maybe don't have a passion yet or, you know, and usually there's a fear, Right.
Speaker B:Of a fear.
Speaker B:From a parent perspective, I think of like that child being like lazy, for example.
Speaker B:What is something that we could share with the audience about how they can approach that in a constructive way?
Speaker B:If maybe they're having a middle schooler that doesn't seem like there's very much drive or ambition or direction?
Speaker D:Well, I understand that's a deep question and it goes to a multi generational answer.
Speaker D:So you have a kid that's floundering.
Speaker D:Well, they may have a father that works all the time.
Speaker D:Okay.
Speaker D:Because again, you may have a kid that's not giving the effort.
Speaker D:And that may be because when they gave an effort, they were negated over and over.
Speaker D:So a child may say, well, why should I try so hard if everything I do is not enough?
Speaker D:Okay?
Speaker D:So these kind of things are playing out in that question.
Speaker D:And.
Speaker D:But that's where purpose comes into play, right?
Speaker D:What's our purpose?
Speaker D:To master love.
Speaker D:What's a parent's purpose?
Speaker D:To help not only themselves master love, but help their children and understand early on in life the importance of love.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:As I brought up in a prior episode where I said, you know, you're cruising your kids and your.
Speaker D:The car and you're moving along, you say, oh my goodness, I forgot your kids.
Speaker D:Would you forget mom?
Speaker D:Would you forget dad?
Speaker D:Oh, I forgot to take some moment to really acknowledge how important I am to, to love myself, to begin this day with love for self.
Speaker D:And we can impact kids in.
Speaker D:Because they're sponges and their brains like a sponge.
Speaker D:And so what you say has an.
Speaker D:And that impact could last an entire lifetime.
Speaker D:And someone could have really enjoyed the path of their life and.
Speaker D:Or not ever enjoy the path of their life.
Speaker D:So I think that's to answer that question that's where purpose comes into play.
Speaker D:That's where realizing the importance of not negating our kids, that even if your kids struggling in school, it's intentional, it's the child trying not to struggle, you know, and because a lot of times struggle, I know in my case was inadequacy.
Speaker D:I, I was born into challenge and that we're different from other children around me.
Speaker D:And it gave me a belief system, it gave me a program that I was inadequate.
Speaker D:And then the root of that goes to are you enough?
Speaker D:And the truth of the matter is, is we're all enough before we do anything.
Speaker D:Before we do anything.
Speaker D:And, and it's important for us to get our brain around that, that it's not what we're doing and it's not the evidence of what we're doing that goes to the root.
Speaker D:Are we enough?
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:So I think that's just a really important way to look at that, is that children who are floundering may be being negated.
Speaker D:And if we just simply like I have the teacher tell me my senior year, wow, Steve, you're so smart.
Speaker D:I'm like, what are you crazy?
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:The first time you heard that.
Speaker D:Yeah.
Speaker D:I was like, oh my goodness, you are crazy.
Speaker D:And he's, oh, no, really, you really smart.
Speaker D:And it helped me to understand that I could journey into an area that I wasn't solid, that it wasn't strong.
Speaker D:Not like your daughter.
Speaker D:Your daughter is solid and she's strong and she's built her life on excellent grades throughout her life experience.
Speaker D:That's a dichotomy to what I was experiencing.
Speaker D:And of course, those are rooted in multi generational inadequacy too.
Speaker D:Time you do something, someone tells you how you can improve, what are you doing?
Speaker D:You're negating instead of celebrating.
Speaker D:Validating.
Speaker D:And then that becomes a pattern and we can change it or we can stay asleep in that inheritance.
Speaker D:And all I can say is I'm glad I'm not asleep in that inheritance today.
Speaker B:Me too.
Speaker B:Me too.
Speaker B:For sure.
Speaker B:We'll be right back.
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Speaker B:Welcome back.
Speaker B:We're going to talk about Whose voice is it?
Speaker B:So, Dr. Steve, growing up, I, while I was at home, before I ran away, my parents were still married.
Speaker B:So I don't have the experience of being from divorced parents as a young child because that happened after I had already left home.
Speaker B:And so I want to talk about the challenges that young people face, you know, whether male or female, when their parents get divorced and then that expectation of them having things figured out or having a direction or, you know, we just talked about floundering and I want to revisit that because that's definitely something.
Speaker B:I know our audience either have children that seem to be floundering and, and just expand on the, the support that the parents can give them.
Speaker B:I think parents don't know what to do when that's the case.
Speaker B:So let's talk about that.
Speaker D:When parents are separated, that a reaction to that can be a child floundering.
Speaker D:And so often we can see where a parent is really critical of their child and feels like their child's not moving in the proper direction.
Speaker D:But what we must understand is parents fail to make it work in a relationship and then they expect their child to deal with that and be successful.
Speaker D:Well, if a father leaves the family and he has a daughter, then he left his daughter, too.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:And so that daughter is going to be impacted, going to be wounded by that experience.
Speaker D:You brought up in communication friend who was struggling with her son, she had divorced her husband.
Speaker D:And then the question is, what can I do to get my son to be consistent and not just want to play computer games?
Speaker D:And the issue is, wow, it's a deep issue.
Speaker D:If that mother is male dominant, then she feels inadequate unconsciously that she's not a male.
Speaker D:If she has a male child, she may be negating her male child and maybe she negated her husband.
Speaker D:It's a very interesting process.
Speaker D:And so then we see the child not wanting to take action.
Speaker D:Well, you know, maybe some of those same programs, because I know from my, in my situation, my mom, her father wanted sons and got five daughters and she was the fifth daughter and they had actually 10 kids, but the first five were women and he wanted sons.
Speaker D:So produce a lot of dominant women who were not comfortable in their feminine, were not comfortable in their vulnerability.
Speaker D:And so it's easy to see how my mom would then negate me because she felt inadequate.
Speaker D:She wasn't a male, so was she going to validate me as a male?
Speaker D:Probably not.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:So it's so important that we understand these tendencies that when, when relationships don't work, which is, you know, sometimes predetermined, you know, there's a lot of relationships that join up in fantasy and then when the reality hits that they are both wounded and then choose to look for the wounded person to heal them, and that wounded person hasn't even healed themselves, how big an issue can be created from that?
Speaker D:So I just think that understanding how we transfer our own inadequacy onto our children, if a child doesn't feel like they can ever be enough for you, why would they, you know, give their best to something?
Speaker D:And on the other hand, a lot of children who were negated become such high achievers.
Speaker D:But then in them, when it's enough for them, it's never enough for them.
Speaker D:Doesn't matter what they attain, it's not enough.
Speaker B:So what, what's the, Is there a pattern in that case where you have a child that's negated and they go one direction over the other direction?
Speaker B:I know for me, I went the high achieving direction versus the maybe not maybe ambitious or there's two ways you can go.
Speaker B:Is there a likelihood of either?
Speaker B:Is there a way that you can see the direction that one may go over the other?
Speaker B:Or.
Speaker D:Well, you see it in.
Speaker D:Is there backward curvature of the spine which is going to be more passive withdrawal from oneself, Are you forward curvature, which is going to be more self driven.
Speaker D:So if you're primarily influenced by a mother who's very self driven, which is my daughter.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker D:So often that child will attain high expectations, but in the example where the child is feeling like nothing's ever good enough and there, you know, they can have this.
Speaker D:Well, I'm just not going to try.
Speaker D:I mean, it's not going to do.
Speaker D:That's where I was at as a child.
Speaker D:I, I didn't know if I was smart or not, but I didn't think I was smart, so I chose to not try.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And I think, I think parents that have children that, that go in that direction is a, it's a real challenge.
Speaker B:Like what advice can, can you give them for that situation?
Speaker D:Yes.
Speaker D:Well, be conscious that their child is traumatized maybe as they were traumatized as a child.
Speaker D:And so, you know, helping children to understand that, well, you may not Know how to deal with the trauma that has been created.
Speaker D:And your way of dealing with it will either be to prove your value or to withdraw in that situation.
Speaker D:When children withdraw, they have a core issue of feeling abandoned.
Speaker D:And when they're self driven, their core issue is they're inheriting this issue of I don't want to be seen as inadequate.
Speaker D:And you know, we see it all the time.
Speaker D:You know, someone gives their best and then they say, oh well, but that's not good enough.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:Because why would that be?
Speaker D:They don't want to be revealed as inadequate in a world of people that all come from feeling of inadequacy at some level.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:In everyone.
Speaker D:It's like one of the greatest, you know, behaviors that's transferred generationally.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:And it can be corrected, but it gets corrected through awareness.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:We, we correct inadequacy when we learn to celebrate, when we learn to self validate, when we look for other people outside of us to do that for us, we stay within the inadequacy model because that says I'm going to give weight to people around me more than going to give weight to my, myself.
Speaker B:So in my experience has been obviously because I just have one child with a driven, you know, she has a drive, right.
Speaker B:I don't, I don't know what I would do just thinking about if my child wasn't driven.
Speaker B:I don't and I, I think maybe a lot of parents don't, don't know what to do if they have, if it seems, you know, I think the word lazy is thrown around a bit.
Speaker B:And I, I, I don't ever use that word in like I've, you know, potentially, you know, I feel like around 12, 13, there were days when my daughter maybe didn't have a lot of, maybe didn't want to do very much and in no circumstance would I ever say that word out loud just because I feel like the words thrown around and for some I, I didn't, I was very mindful of the words I used when describing things with my daughter.
Speaker B:And I feel like that might be a parent might feel like, you know, their child's lazy.
Speaker B:But like what could they, what's the dialogue they could have with their child and trying to one discover maybe what is going on with them because I think, I mean I have a real heart for kids because I know for myself that like, I mean I ran away and I felt very misunderstood and my mom like would have probably said I was rebellious and other words to describe me, but I just remember Feeling like no one understood me.
Speaker B:And so what's like, the dialogue that a parent can have with a child if they're struggling, if they're in challenge to maybe figure out what it is that's going on with them, Be open.
Speaker D:To look for help outside the family dynamic.
Speaker D:Be open to getting some help for the child, helping the child to express themselves rather than withdraw from themselves, because there's something going on that is causing that child to choose to withdraw.
Speaker D:Maybe in that withdrawal, they're getting evidence that they're important because energy is being directed at them, even if it's like,.
Speaker B:What would be considered negative.
Speaker D:Right, Right.
Speaker B:That somehow they're getting something.
Speaker D:So when I choose to not do anything, then I hear all this energy.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:And.
Speaker D:But to me, you know, I experienced the loss of a brother when I was young, and my parents had me go through therapy, and it was helpful for me to learn to express how I feel outside of the family dynamic.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker D:Because sometimes really hard to express it in the family dynamic if you feel like whatever you're expressing is not heard.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:So if you're seeing some challenges with your child, just realize that they're just children in a maze of generational dysfunction.
Speaker D:And.
Speaker D:And everything.
Speaker D:Everything around them is people that have been wounded generationally.
Speaker D:And so I would encourage, as my parents did, I was like, I don't want to do that when my parents are like, well, you know, you should do, you know, a few sessions.
Speaker D:And I.
Speaker D:And I was able to communicate to someone other than my parents.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:Because a lot of us have difficulty with wanting to be enough for a parent.
Speaker D:I want to be enough for my mother.
Speaker D:But then when I look at my own challenges, there were some issues with my father, too, because he wasn't enough for his mother.
Speaker D:And then he wasn't as kind as he could be when he separated from my mother.
Speaker D:Talking about my mother in front of me.
Speaker D:And I remember how hurtful I.
Speaker D:How hurtful it was that he wasn't mindful of his words, and his words were impacting me, and I didn't like it.
Speaker D:I remember an experience where he said some hateful things about my mother, and I ran away from his house, and I ran all the way to my mom's house.
Speaker D:It's like five miles.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker D:And I never stopped running, and I was so hurt by it.
Speaker D:And then.
Speaker D:So these are real things we were.
Speaker D:That we're facing in life, and then we expect our kids to know how to handle them when you.
Speaker D:The parents didn't even know how to Handle them.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker D:I mean what a real expectation that is if I want my child to, you know, not be passive but the child's experience in abandonment.
Speaker B:Right, right.
Speaker B:For sure.
Speaker B:Well, and I, for me and with, even as an adult, you know, it was tough when you know, my mom would say things about my dad and then my dad would not, you know, to his credit has never said anything negative really about my mom.
Speaker B:And what's interesting is my, my dad had more struggles and in, and you know, went outside my parents marriage and what ended up happening is as kids I think most of us gravitated towards him because he didn't say things about my mom.
Speaker B:And I think my mom thought we'd gravitate towards her because you know, she felt like she.
Speaker B:Things were done to her and we ended up having more compassion for my dad.
Speaker B:At least I can speak for myself that I, I definitely had more compassion even though, you know, some things that happened, you know, I definitely, definitely gravitated towards my mom or excuse me, my dad.
Speaker B:And I think that, let's talk about, you know, in a divorce situation that talking negatively about the other parent, I mean I, I made a decision early on that that just wasn't going to be something.
Speaker B:I mean my daughter didn't actually even know the word divorce until she was probably 8, 7 8.
Speaker B:Like it wasn't even.
Speaker B:I never used the word.
Speaker B:My husband, the best biologist didn't use the word she.
Speaker B:I just, I knew that I, for me I wanted our divorce to impact, have the least impact on her even though I knew it would be impactful.
Speaker B:And so we, you know, really were conscious of the words we said and that was really important to me.
Speaker B:And at that moment I feel like I had decided to put my daughter's feelings and her well being above my own.
Speaker B:And I'm really proud of that.
Speaker B:And it's not something that's easy.
Speaker B:I wouldn't say, I'm not going to say it's easy.
Speaker B:You know, I definitely think that.
Speaker B:Yeah, let's talk about just the impact that one parent talking about another parent, vice versa like has on, has on their children.
Speaker D:Well, I think it's important that we really go back to the story that people have wound and then they attract wound and then those wounded relationships don't work and then they transfer why it didn't work onto the other partner.
Speaker D:But the truth of the matter is it was predefined that it was going to work.
Speaker D:They were injured and didn't repair it and then they attracted someone who was injured and expected them to repair it.
Speaker D:And so that's where I think we need to first see the issue is, you know, we need people to heal wounds inside of self and then attract from a healthier place within self and then we will attract different relationships that are healthier to our life.
Speaker D:But words are powerful and if we don't understand that, it's a problem.
Speaker D:Because it certainly impacted me that dynamic that was occurring and it impacted me to have high empathy from my mother.
Speaker D:But my mother had a difficult time validating my father.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:So, so it's a two way street.
Speaker D:My mom wants, wanted not validate him and my, my dad needed that validation and then it fell apart and then my dad expressed negatively about her.
Speaker D:But what did he have underneath that such a wound with his mother?
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker D:And so what's it ever an issue.
Speaker B:With my mom, it wasn't personal or.
Speaker D:Was it an issue with his mother that he never felt enough for?
Speaker D:And does that then get transferred to the relationship and then does that impact the relationship to fall apart?
Speaker D:So you know, when, when you are parents and you come to the realization that it's not working, that it's not going to work out and you're going to choose to leave the relationship, then you have an opportunity to realize that you were wounded and that is not your partner's problem.
Speaker D:And when you can come from that, you can be kind, you can say, hey, I know I came from wound, I know you probably did the best you could and this is the outcome.
Speaker D:And now we have an opportunity to co parent and let's be mindful of our words, let's really choose them carefully, let's be kind in spite of, you know, what went down.
Speaker D:Because we did have a wound that wasn't repaired before the relationship.
Speaker B:But imagine if that was done in the relationship, that may still be a relationship.
Speaker B:Had they taken that stance in the, in the marriage and, and put not put their own needs or wound own wounds.
Speaker B:And then.
Speaker D:I mean, wow, it really is something to look at because I see it every day.
Speaker D:I had it happen on Saturday.
Speaker D:And the woman says, well he just withdraws and he doesn't talk.
Speaker D:And I said yes, but you want to just be verbal towards him.
Speaker D:So you said this to her, huh?
Speaker D:And I said, you know, you just wanted to be verbal to him and annihilate him because you have this trauma underneath and what he wants is validation from you.
Speaker D:He doesn't want to.
Speaker B:And so, and what did she say?
Speaker D:I said, so you have an opportunity to, you know, soften Your heart, be kind to him, learn to validate him and encourage him, and then come back and let me know how your relationship is working.
Speaker B:And what did she say?
Speaker D:She was just blown out because.
Speaker B:I don't know.
Speaker B:I don't.
Speaker B:I think that.
Speaker B:I think a lot of.
Speaker B:I'll speak for myself.
Speaker B:I think that based on my experience, that women are not necessarily.
Speaker B:Not necessarily open to hearing that.
Speaker B:Where it's like, what.
Speaker B:What it's like.
Speaker B:What in me.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Is attracting this.
Speaker B:Not something's wrong with my husband, my boyfriend, my.
Speaker B:My brother, my.
Speaker B:I think.
Speaker B:And as a woman, I want.
Speaker B:I want to help other women understand that it is best to look at themselves first.
Speaker D:Yes.
Speaker B:In that situation.
Speaker D:The wound that hasn't been repaired, Right.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker D:So if you have a wound that has been repaired and it's a.
Speaker D:And it's coming out, it's an average of verbal annihilation, then be mindful that that's something inside of you.
Speaker D:It has nothing to do with the other person.
Speaker D:And if you want to turn the corner on that, if you want to have healthier relationship dynamics, then learning to be kind, learning to be encouraging, you want more, you encourage more, you want less, you criticize more.
Speaker D:It's simple as that.
Speaker B:Well, and there's a program for.
Speaker B:Where women struggle with, you know, giving their husbands or partners, attaboy.
Speaker B:And let's talk about that.
Speaker B:What is that?
Speaker B:What is that wound where they cannot.
Speaker B:Like.
Speaker B:The thought of them, you know, complimenting their husband for doing something seems to be a real struggle.
Speaker D:Well, again, the misdirection of how gender plays out.
Speaker D:If I'm a female, dominant male, then I want validation from a dominant female.
Speaker D:Okay.
Speaker D:And if I'm a male dominant female, then I want validation from the male.
Speaker D:Even when they're being verbal.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:So it's just a journey of working through it, of realizing wound is before us, that each person, if you want a better relationship, encourage them more, realize it's not their job to resolve the trauma that occurred before for you.
Speaker B:Thank you for joining us on this episode of the Adjusting youg Life Podcast.
Speaker B:For more information and to view our show notes, please visit adjusting your life podcast.com and we will see you next time.
Speaker A:This is a broadcast of the Adjusting youg Life podcast, produced by Adjusted Life Media.
Speaker A:All information contained in this episode and all other content provided on this channel is for informational and entertainment purposes only.
Speaker A:This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Speaker A:If you or someone you know is experiencing a medical emergency, please contact your local emergency services.
Speaker A:Dr. Stephen M. Ward, D.C. is a board certified doctor of chiropractic medicine licensed in the State of California, county of Los Angeles.
Speaker A:The Adjusting youg Life podcast is written and produced by Executive Producer Jamie Knapp and co produced by Kennedy hall and Dr. Stephen Ward as Dr. Steve.
Speaker A:For more information or to connect with us, visit adjustingyourlifepodcast.com.
