Adjusting Your Life Podcast Ep 106: Is Getting Approval and Validation Really About What You Do?
The primary focus of our discussion centers on the critical importance of mental health awareness in contemporary society. We delve into the myriad challenges individuals face in recognizing and addressing mental health issues, emphasizing the necessity for open dialogue and education.
Furthermore, we explore the various resources available for support and the imperative role of community in fostering an environment conducive to healing and understanding. Our conversation also highlights the stigma that often surrounds mental health, advocating for a collective effort to dismantle such barriers. By the conclusion of our discourse, we aim to inspire listeners to prioritize mental wellness and to contribute to a culture of empathy and support.
The discourse presented within the podcast episode delves into the multifaceted nature of modern societal challenges, characterized by an intricate interplay among various socio-economic factors. Our dialogue traverses the complexities of climate change, highlighting its profound implications on global stability and human welfare. We meticulously dissect the underlying causes contributing to this existential crisis, examining the roles of industrialization, consumer behavior, and policy inadequacies. Through this analytical lens, we advocate for a paradigm shift in our collective approach towards environmental stewardship, urging listeners to embrace sustainable practices and holistic thinking as imperative remedies to counteract the deleterious effects of climate change. Furthermore, we engage with the concept of social equity, interrogating the barriers that perpetuate inequality within our communities. The conversation emphasizes the importance of fostering inclusivity and ensuring that marginalized voices are amplified in the discourse surrounding climate action. We propose actionable strategies aimed at promoting environmental justice, asserting that the fight against climate change must be intertwined with the pursuit of social equity.
By the conclusion of our discussion, it is evident that the path forward necessitates an unwavering commitment to both ecological preservation and the upliftment of disenfranchised populations, thereby reinforcing the interconnectedness of these critical issues. Through a synthesis of empirical research and poignant anecdotes, we illuminate the pressing need for collaborative action across all sectors of society.
The episode serves as a clarion call for listeners to engage actively with these pressing challenges, fostering a sense of responsibility and agency in the face of adversity. Our hope is that by articulating these themes with clarity and urgency, we inspire a collective movement towards a more sustainable and equitable future.
Takeaways:
- In this episode, we elucidate the intricate dynamics of human relationships and their profound impact on our lives.
- We explore the significance of effective communication strategies in fostering understanding and collaboration among individuals.
- The discussion delves into the psychological underpinnings of decision-making processes that drive our daily actions and choices.
- We examine the role of empathy in enhancing interpersonal connections and promoting emotional intelligence in our interactions.
- The episode highlights the necessity of self-reflection as a means to personal growth and improved social engagement.
- We emphasize the importance of setting clear boundaries in relationships to maintain mutual respect and personal well-being.
Transcript
This program is for informational, educational and entertainment purposes only.
Speaker A:The information provided in this podcast reflects the opinions and experiences of the hosts and is not medical or mental health advice.
Speaker A:Always consult a qualified healthcare professional regarding any questions about your health or well being.
Speaker A:If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, contact your local emergency services.
Speaker B:To really experience love right then it really starts with our willingness to self love.
Speaker B:Stop giving your power away to people outside of you.
Speaker B:Stop giving your power away to people who are wounded.
Speaker C:So when we hear that program, it.
Speaker B:Really gets us thinking that approval is relative to what we do.
Speaker D:Welcome to the Adjusting youg Life podcast.
Speaker D:I'm Kennedy and I'm here with Dr. Steve.
Speaker D:This is episode 106, why we seek Approval.
Speaker E:This episode of the Adjusting youg Life podcast is brought to you by Ward Chiropractic.
Speaker E:Dr. Steve finds what most doctors miss and his wall adjustment technique.
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Speaker E:Check out chiroman.com for hours location and to contact the clinic.
Speaker E:That's Chiroman.
Speaker D:C-H-I-R-O-M-A-N.com why do humans naturally crave approval from others?
Speaker C:Well, it's a generational program, number one.
Speaker C:So many of us are programmed with the program if you do it, do it right or give your best or do your best.
Speaker C:So when we hear that program, it really gets us thinking that, okay, approvals relative to what we do and that's relative to our outcome.
Speaker C:And so when we hear that program as a child, it's believable to really think that when you do something well, someone's going to tell you how great you are.
Speaker C:That's a believable fact.
Speaker C:The problem is in life is so many people were never validated, were never received approval and they wanted it their whole life because of how they were programmed.
Speaker C:But they never really did something well enough to get the approval and validation they needed.
Speaker C:So to me, that's where the basic problem begins.
Speaker C:It's in that issue of inheriting program.
Speaker C:And in this situation, the program that is inherited is just generational inadequacy.
Speaker C:And when inadequacy passes from one generation to the next, it's most likely to pass through expectation, which if we really change that program, we would help people to have much healthier perspective of themselves and stronger identities within themselves.
Speaker D:So seeking approval, something that I've definitely struggled with, I would say until my 40s that I was looking for approval from probably initially my parents and then when I don't, when I wasn't getting it and not that I thought I was.
Speaker D:I think I didn't.
Speaker D:I just.
Speaker D:I knew I wasn't.
Speaker D:I think there were so many of us that, like, the attention was.
Speaker D:It was hard for my parents to pay attention to all of us.
Speaker D:And so I remember, like, in school, going the overachieving route with grades and stuff, wanting it to be my teachers that noticed me.
Speaker D:And then from there, you know, other women, and then from there, people I worked for.
Speaker D:And it's evolved in just every step in my life.
Speaker D:I wanted that approval.
Speaker D:And if I didn't get it, it was devastating to me.
Speaker D:And now in my 40s, I'm no longer seeking that approval.
Speaker D:What would you say to our audience for people that can relate to that in terms of maybe they're in a position right now where they're seeking approval from their parents, their co workers, their boss?
Speaker C:I would ask questions.
Speaker C:I think that's the first step.
Speaker C:I'm seeking approval from this person.
Speaker C:Have I seen this person give themselves approval?
Speaker C:Have I seen this person give themselves approval when they were in challenge?
Speaker C:Have I seen this person give approval when they were being criticized or being rejected?
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:So when we ask questions, because here's the fantasy of life, the fantasy of life says, someone's gonna give you what you want from them.
Speaker C:The reality of life is people give you what they received from others and what they were programmed to give.
Speaker C:And so most people are not really good at giving approval and validation because they haven't learned to self approve or self validate.
Speaker C:And of course, as we learn to self improve, that's approving of us at our worst and our best at our lowest point and our highest point.
Speaker C:It's a pattern that changes when we look at the intentional energy.
Speaker C:Where is your intention?
Speaker C:Are you showing up and really wanting to give your best intention?
Speaker C:If that's the story, then getting in the program of learning to always circle back and validate, that is so essential.
Speaker C:Because if we're going to get to a healthier world, we really need to understand that the world is really wounded right now.
Speaker C:And the world as a whole needs healing right now.
Speaker C:And the healing is really generational healing.
Speaker C:It's about realizing that people who wounded us were wounded before us, and they were just passing on something that they experienced, and at no point was that personal.
Speaker C:And what we need to help people to understand is that it isn't personal, that it's generational.
Speaker C:And if you're removed from that narrative and someone else gets placed in there, they're having the same challenges.
Speaker D:Right?
Speaker D:What Would you say are practical steps people can take if they're currently seeking outside approval?
Speaker C:Well, number one, stop.
Speaker C:Stop seeking outside approval.
Speaker C:Stop giving your power away to people outside of you.
Speaker C:Stop giving your power away to people who are wounded.
Speaker C:Stop giving your power away to people who've never even began to master what you would like to receive from them.
Speaker C:When we realize that, we give our power away.
Speaker C:So I'm going to feel good about me if you feel good about me?
Speaker C:If you feel good about me, I'm going to feel good about me?
Speaker D:Yes, let's talk about that.
Speaker D:Because I think a lot of people experience that.
Speaker D:And it's like if someone doesn't feel good about you, you don't feel good about yourself, right?
Speaker C:Well, it's different in patterning because if your pattern is more of an emotional pattern, okay, then when you study those people, when criticized or shamed or blamed or whatever it is, they personalize because there's no denial, okay?
Speaker C:Because their whole spine, so that would be a forward curve and right curve.
Speaker C:That person would be all in emotion, would have very low resistance, would personalize someone else's projection.
Speaker C:And because someone else feels inadequate within them and they're wanting to transfer that feeling to someone else, when you transfer that to a person in high emotion, that person has no denial within them.
Speaker C:So they're most likely going to personalize.
Speaker C:So we need to help them understand through emotional intelligence.
Speaker C:We're always needing to encourage people to pause to.
Speaker C:To look at situations from neutrality, to take a step back and take a look at the situation, to ask questions are critical like, oh, it's this person healthy.
Speaker C:What are the signs I can see that indicate that this is a person that's very healthy, that this person's evolved and has empowered great change within them?
Speaker C:Because the people who are going to influence are the people who take back power.
Speaker C:The people who are always seeing their power through the eyes of someone else.
Speaker C:They're always giving up their power, right?
Speaker D:So how would someone know if someone was healthy and able to validate them?
Speaker C:Just sit and listen to someone, Are they talking kind about themselves?
Speaker C:Do they have healthy expectations?
Speaker C:Are they good at when they give their best intention, circling back and validating, do they recognize the importance of building on greatness rather than overcoming?
Speaker C:So often people are coming from deficit because deficit says, no matter what I do, it will never be enough.
Speaker C:So it doesn't matter what the person does.
Speaker C:You go to the gym, you talk to people, the gym, you ask them, when have you lifted enough?
Speaker C:They say, never.
Speaker C:You go to someone who's a runner.
Speaker C:When have you ran fast enough?
Speaker C:Never.
Speaker C:When have you run long enough?
Speaker C:Never.
Speaker C:So when we really study the inner workings of that story, it is a story that has strong foundation in negation, not celebration.
Speaker C:So this is an essential issue, and it's one that many people are misdirected in because they, they let some person and their opinion impact them, how they feel about them.
Speaker C:And then, of course, it impacts them to have great amount of pain in their body.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:Because if I. Yeah.
Speaker D:Where does it matter?
Speaker D:It's going to manifest itself somewhere.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:Well, if I have right shoulder pain and then there's a part of me that needs, say, your validation.
Speaker C:And then I think.
Speaker C:Because right shoulder would be more empathy.
Speaker C:So I think if I give enough to you, then you will be able to give me back what I need.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker C:And then.
Speaker C:But I'm not even taking into consideration your life, your experience, what you receive, what you didn't receive.
Speaker C:Did you receive the fantasy upbringing?
Speaker C:Did you feel loved by both parents?
Speaker C:Did you feel validated by both parents?
Speaker C:Did you feel encouraged by both parents?
Speaker C:Did you feel heard by both parents?
Speaker C:Were you seen by your parents?
Speaker D:Okay, for me, I would say that I felt invisible.
Speaker D:Yeah.
Speaker D:I, I, previously I would have used the word neglected, but, well, there was a lot of us, so there wasn't a lot of, like, my parents didn't ask about my report card or.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker D:You know, and I remember being on the bus.
Speaker D:This is like burned into my brain, but, like being on the bus home, going home, and everyone at that time would get their report card and the kids were.
Speaker D:Or they would mail it, and the kids were scared, you know, for their parents to see it.
Speaker D:And I thought, I mean, my parents don't even ask.
Speaker D:And I had, you know, straight A's.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker C:But consider this.
Speaker D:Yeah.
Speaker C:Maybe if you had straight Ds, they would have asked.
Speaker B:You have.
Speaker C:When I looked at your initial set of X rays, you were so riding curve, which is such high standards, which is such a perfectionism model, which is not a person that shows up against their least effort.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker C:It's a person that shows up and gives their max effort.
Speaker C:So maybe that didn't come because of that internal pattern you have within you.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:Did.
Speaker C:Your pattern was about, oh, the more I attain, the more I'll go from being invisible to being visible.
Speaker C:So if I attain enough, people will see how valuable I am.
Speaker D:Right, right.
Speaker D:And that.
Speaker D:So I.
Speaker D:What's interesting is that I had that feeling.
Speaker D:I think all four of my sisters had that we felt that the same thing when it got to my brothers.
Speaker D:I think we thought that my parents had taken it for granted that we were born this way and had this internal.
Speaker D:Like we had our own volition and that they didn't have to ask if our homework was done or anything.
Speaker D:And then when it came to my brothers, they experienced something different because it's almost.
Speaker D:I think we thought that they like took it for granted because, you know, when my first younger brother was in school, you know, he was having some struggles and it went unnoticed by my parents.
Speaker D:And so I think we thought they were just not paying attention at all.
Speaker D:And they had just, you know, but that that experience showed up later in our lives by, you know, becoming adults and then seeking that approval and wanting to be not invisible.
Speaker D:Like, the more we did or the more we could help out or we would, all of us would.
Speaker D:Girls would make certain sacrifices in an effort, I think ultimately to be noticed, validated, loved.
Speaker D:And not that my parents didn't love us that, but I think that that's something we can talk about is.
Speaker C:Well, when you say that, then, then you gotta look at, well, what does that mean to define whether or not your parents love you.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker C:Did either one of your parents ever master loving themselves?
Speaker D:No.
Speaker C:Okay, so if neither one of your parents ever mastered loving themselves, then it would be very difficult and it would not be congruent for their love message to project to their children and have their children feel as if they were loved.
Speaker C:So, yes, they love in the limited ability that they could love at their.
Speaker D:Consciousness level, which I've heard someone say.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker C:And yet to really experience love.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker C:Then it really starts with our willingness to self love.
Speaker D:Right?
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker C:And our willingness to self love is our willingness to be kind rather than critical.
Speaker C:To see our value and who we are, not in what we do, to not get confused and thinking the more we do, the more valuable we are.
Speaker C:This is the story of so many people, why they go into burnout.
Speaker C:So many, they just getting burned out and ill. And because the only way to shift it for them is for them to get ill, which forces them to slow down, which forces them to say no.
Speaker C:Like, sometimes the best boundary in life, the word no, it's a great boundary.
Speaker C:A lot of people have difficulty with it.
Speaker C:So just, you know, this is a deep subject.
Speaker C:A lot of people are misdirected in, in this realm, and a lot of people on the planet are giving so much weight to people outside of them.
Speaker C:And this podcast is about taking back our power.
Speaker C:It's about building on our greatness and.
Speaker C:And it's about seeing how valuable we are and doing something than the generations before us have ever done.
Speaker C:We want to do something different than how people before us have done the same thing.
Speaker D:We'll be right back.
Speaker D:Welcome back to segment two.
Speaker D:We're going to talk about the hidden costs of external validation.
Speaker D:So, Dr. Steve, let's talk about people that chase approval.
Speaker D:What impact it has on their physical and emotional health as it relates to the body.
Speaker B:Well, the body struggles with unreasonable expectations and doesn't struggle with reasonable expectations.
Speaker B:So if our programming is that at no point in what I do it's adequate or it's good enough, then over time our body is going to deteriorate from carrying an unrealistic burden or unreasonable expectation.
Speaker B:So you go to someone and they're lifting £500 and they tell you it's not enough.
Speaker B:Or you go to someone, they're running 30 miles and they say it's not enough.
Speaker B:What is the wound inside of that person that's causing them to set such unreasonable expectations on themselves?
Speaker B:And the answer to that is negation.
Speaker B:So if my parent is a master at giving their children insight as to how this really works, then they are going to impact their children on a different level.
Speaker B:And a simple reframe on this message instead of just giving partial message, if you do it, do it right, add a little something to that.
Speaker B:Be a parent that is teaching.
Speaker B:And so be clear.
Speaker B:You know that you're your parents job is to help you to understand that there are people out there on the planet that no matter what you do in your life are going to negate you or tell you it's not adequate.
Speaker B:And you are either prepared for those people in your life or you're not prepared at all.
Speaker C:Right?
Speaker B:If I know that at no point I can be enough for you, it's different than if I think, oh, depending upon what I do for you, I'll be enough for you.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:So it's so important to have clarity on that point.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker B:And so if I'm a parent, this is one of the critical teaching points to any child.
Speaker B:Don't get caught up in someone else's perspective.
Speaker B:If you are giving your best intention, then learn to celebrate that and support it even when others don't.
Speaker B:You know, life, it's kind of a lonely world at times because so many of us want external approval, validation, love, and very few of us have learned to give those things to ourself.
Speaker B:So we're really in this misdirected place.
Speaker B:And as we change this narrative and we decide, oh, we're not going to be asleep in this generational inadequacy program and we're not going to negate everything that's being done because someone negated that in me and I'm going to do it differently.
Speaker C:And I.
Speaker B:And I'm going to be a person who really teaches to celebrate and support.
Speaker B:Take a moment, take it in.
Speaker B:Acknowledge your intention, acknowledge your effort, and acknowledge your energy and learn to build on greatness.
Speaker B:It's not a hard thing.
Speaker B:Did I give my best day?
Speaker B:Yes, it's enough for me.
Speaker B:My gang give my best tomorrow.
Speaker B:Yes, it's going to be enough for me.
Speaker B:Some days I may be so exhausted and I'm giving my best within my exhaustion, okay, it still is my best.
Speaker B:Some days I'm so abundant with energy.
Speaker B:So when I give my best, it seems different, but it's about intentional energy.
Speaker B:That's the key element.
Speaker B:What is your intention?
Speaker B:And so I just think this is such an important step for people in changing multi generational inadequacy is start helping people to see the greatness within their intention.
Speaker C:Help them to take a moment and celebrate.
Speaker B:And this is important because even, well, like we look at the spine and we see a woman that her whole spine curves left, that means that she's looking for this approval outside of herself from a male wound, right?
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And so in order for that woman to feel adequate, she has to receive this male approval from a male that.
Speaker C:Never received it, right.
Speaker D:And probably didn't receive it from his.
Speaker B:Mother, didn't receive it from anyone, or most likely, okay.
Speaker B:Because usually life teaches us that a lot of times the people closest to us who we want to be the healthiest are people that are just coming from wound.
Speaker B:And then we want them to know the difference.
Speaker B:Oh, I think you should know the difference.
Speaker B:I think you should know what makes me happy or makes me feel good or makes me feel heard, right?
Speaker B:And so, but the challenge with that is most people on this planet are asleep.
Speaker B:And they're asleep because they have adopted behavioral programs that originated before them.
Speaker B:And in order to be awake, we must have new programs that are different from what we inherit.
Speaker B:And instead of being asleep and oh, when am I going to be enough for this wounded person?
Speaker B:I'm awake and wow, I'm going to do it differently.
Speaker B:I'm going to validate, support myself, celebrate my intentions, and build on my greatness, even when those around me may want to be an anchor, right?
Speaker B:Because our perspective with people close to us is, oh, you're close to me, so you're my life preserver and when I need support, you will support me, right?
Speaker B:That would be beautiful.
Speaker B:But usually people who are close to us are more likely to be an anchor than a support system.
Speaker B:So when you're low, they're critical.
Speaker B:Instead of, oh, let me help build you up because you're really being hard on yourself.
Speaker B:Let me give you a different view or a different perspective.
Speaker B:Let me give you this perspective of what I see in you and how I see how amazing you are and how gifted you are and how beautiful you are and powerful you are and how brilliant you are and how wonderful you are and how generous you are.
Speaker C:It's all perspective.
Speaker D:So for the parents in our audience, what would you say they could do, you know, today to start to change that patterning in their family, with their children and probably with themselves if they, if they're listening or watching and they say to themselves, wow, I, I haven't self validated what, what, what are steps they can do immediately.
Speaker B:I think it's important for parents who are programmed by parents that no matter what they did, it was not good enough to have that conversation with their children.
Speaker B:So if your awareness comes into play and all of a sudden you see.
Speaker C:That issue differently, right?
Speaker B:So if you're a parent, you just simply say, you know, recently I came into some awareness and someone pointed out how I was always looking for approval from people in my life who never received approval and never mastered approval.
Speaker B:And then my expectation was they were.
Speaker C:Going to approve of me.
Speaker C:Right?
Speaker B:And now I don't do that.
Speaker B:Now I see that wound in them.
Speaker B:I realize that's not their job, it's my job, it's not my partner's job.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:You know, so often in relationships, we go into a relationship with all this wound and then we want to lay it off on our partner and then when it doesn't work, we want to blame our partner.
Speaker B:But it never was meant to work.
Speaker B:Okay, so, but if I'm a parent, I would choose to change the language.
Speaker B:Instead of saying, oh, that's good, but you can improve.
Speaker B:I'm going to say, wow, that's great.
Speaker B:We're going to take a moment and celebrate.
Speaker B:And every day of your life we're going to help you to build on your greatness.
Speaker B:And even though I was slow to do this because I really have never done this within me, but once you're given awareness now you can do it differently.
Speaker B:You can make this an easy thing.
Speaker B:You can Go through your life and make a list of all the amazing things you've done that someone like yourself, with that right curve perfectionism pattern, you couldn't even count the amazing things you've done in your life that were not even looked at.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So, and I talk to people about this, I say, why don't you go home and write down a list of every good thing that you've done in your life.
Speaker B:And they go home and they write down this big list and they're like, wow, you know, I have a big list, but this list is like 1% of the actual list.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker B:So it's just if you're a parent.
Speaker C:Your job is to take a behavior.
Speaker B:That you inherit and your job is through awareness to make an edit and be a leader for your family.
Speaker B:Share with your family.
Speaker B:If you had struggles in receiving approval, share that.
Speaker B:Share with your family what you've learned.
Speaker B:Share the importance of now having new awareness, that it's always about circling back.
Speaker C:And closing the loop.
Speaker B:You're always closing loop.
Speaker C:You're always.
Speaker B:You give your best intention, you circle back, you close that loop with a validation.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker D:So what does that sound like?
Speaker B:I gave my best today.
Speaker B:My best is always enough for me.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker B:And even if I fall short like we do these podcasts, we're new at this, you know, so we're just showing up and we're doing our best.
Speaker C:I hit the mic and I scratch.
Speaker B:My head and I do all sorts of weird things, you know, but it is a work in process and from.
Speaker D:We'Re being kind, kind to ourselves.
Speaker B:When we first started to where we are, we're certainly evolving and.
Speaker B:But why I think this is going to be so powerful is we made a decision that it didn't have to be perfect.
Speaker D:Right?
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker B:That we were just going to give our best and that we were going to share awareness with the world.
Speaker B:And our hope is that people in the world come out of their slumber and choose to wake up and look at behaviors in their life, whatever they are.
Speaker B:You critical.
Speaker B:Where did you learn it from?
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker B:Do you have a tendency of, when you get upset, to abandon?
Speaker B:Where did you learn that from?
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker B:Do you have a tendency to set unreasonable expectations where nothing's good enough?
Speaker B:Where'd you learn that from?
Speaker B:You know, what behaviors do you have in you, in your life that started with you that are different from your generational lineage?
Speaker B:See, these are important questions because we can be asleep our whole life so often.
Speaker B:Like that pattern I spoke about where.
Speaker C:A woman's left and Curve.
Speaker B:Well, that means the feminine's not showing up.
Speaker B:So where is she?
Speaker B:She's in this misdirection.
Speaker B:And what's her expectation?
Speaker B:Oh, I would have been loved if.
Speaker C:I was a male.
Speaker B:No, no.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker B:You're either loved because someone who loves you mastered love, or love is withheld because the person you wanted love for was never given neutral love.
Speaker B:Right, Right.
Speaker B:So our fantasy, that gender and it's messing people up.
Speaker C:That's why, you know, you see the spine, it curves left.
Speaker C:That's need for male approval and validation.
Speaker C:You curve.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:Need for female approval and validation.
Speaker B:If you curve left and right, you're looking for everyone's approval and validation.
Speaker B:You're not even asking the question, have.
Speaker C:These people mastered it?
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker B:Step number one, do I want something from someone who has not mastered it or do I want something from someone who has mastered it?
Speaker B:Do I.
Speaker B:The real point is, do I really need approval and validation from someone outside of me even if they have mastered it?
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker B:Because if I'm doing my job on the day to day, you don't need it at all.
Speaker B:Then, then you, you go through your life and you're always circling back.
Speaker B:You're always validating your intention and you're always stepping up with your building on the greatness within you, on your, on your healthy intentions, on giving your best, on setting a reasonable expectation.
Speaker C:You're building on things that really work.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:Well, let's talk.
Speaker D:So if we have like a child or even adult child listening and they're becoming aware and gaining some awareness, what is some dialogue that they could utilize with their parents in terms of, you know, they have a parent that hasn't validated them.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker D:How could they approach that parent in a, in a way to love them and teach them to actually validate and not, you know, obviously come from anger or resentment or.
Speaker D:But what's some dialogue that they could.
Speaker B:Well, first of all, have emotional intelligence on that question.
Speaker B:Don't have that fantasy of people that never received it or mastered it, that they're going to give that.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker B:So there are children that may never get approval and validation from their parent.
Speaker D:Yeah.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:But that doesn't mean their life is over.
Speaker B:It just means that they need to, through high emotional intelligence, be the person that is celebrating their own greatness that is just changing that mechanism.
Speaker B:So it's not hard to do.
Speaker B:It's just we must get out of that fantasy that says wounded people know how to do it, but they don't do it when the truth is they don't know how to do it right.
Speaker D:Well, we've talked about, you know, in situations where, say, a son was seeking approval from their mom, you know, having a conversation with the mother saying, you know, I sought your approval my whole life, you know, I decided to start approving of myself.
Speaker B:Yeah, that was my story.
Speaker B:You know, that was exactly what I said to my mom when I was having major challenges with my mom.
Speaker B:And it was like, you know, mom, my whole life.
Speaker C:Well, back up.
Speaker B:I had some problems in school and.
Speaker C:So I had to move to a.
Speaker B:New school my senior year.
Speaker B:And my, my dad had me take a set of X rays and out of the X ray analysis, it was pointed out how much I needed my mother's approval.
Speaker B:And then it was pointed out how she needed her father's approval and how that transformed my life from sabotaging my life to actually changing a different perspective and a different view of my life.
Speaker B:And so I went from struggling in school my whole life to, oh, I'm going to become a doctor.
Speaker B:And it all changed that summer when I had that pointed out to me that I had bonded with her and I was seeing my value through her eyes.
Speaker B:And then as I learned to start seeing my value from my eyes and, and not look for it from her eyes, and she hadn't really been able to master that, how it Transformed.
Speaker B:And for 35 years, my mom and I haven't had an issue because she actually made these edits and made these changes and realized that she didn't even know how to do it.
Speaker B:And then I'll just end with this.
Speaker B:And then she then took the awareness I gave her because my emotional quotient was higher than my mom's.
Speaker B:And then I helped my mom to increase awareness and then she brought that to her father.
Speaker B:And then there was this massive healing that occurred.
Speaker B:So this is powerful, powerful stuff that we're embarking on.
Speaker D:Yeah.
Speaker D:We'll be right back.
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Speaker D:Welcome back to segment three.
Speaker D:We're going to talk about recognizing when you're chasing approval.
Speaker D:So, Dr. Steve, what is a pattern or common pattern that you see in patients that would tell you that they are, or seeking outside approval, chasing it?
Speaker C:Well, I'm going to see that in the physical pain that they're in.
Speaker D:Okay.
Speaker C:Because people who come in to the office and they have pain, most times it's relative to a hurt.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker C:And most times it's relative to a need for approval.
Speaker D:Like who, who do you need?
Speaker D:What you say to me is who are you trying to be enough for?
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:Are you trying to be enough for you?
Speaker C:Are you trying to be enough for someone else?
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker C:If you're trying to be enough for you, then it's just about giving your best intention.
Speaker C:If you're trying to be enough for someone else, it's a much deeper story because there are people that you'll never be enough for as long as you play the game.
Speaker C:The same way when you need someone's approval, it can be withheld consistently.
Speaker C:When you no longer need someone's approval, you may get consistent approval.
Speaker C:So it's just an energetic thing.
Speaker C:If you need it, so many people withhold it.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker C:And when you don't need it, so many people give it.
Speaker C:When they say, oh, you know, I've mastered self approval so I'm not really here for your approval.
Speaker C:Everyone can give you approval and it probably will come.
Speaker D:Yeah, right.
Speaker B:And, and so, and it's funny how.
Speaker C:When you say, oh, I'm not here for your approval because I've already mastered that within me.
Speaker C:And when I give my best, it's always enough for me.
Speaker C:So I understand that it may not be enough for you and that's okay.
Speaker C:But what you need to understand is when I give my best intention, it's always enough for myself.
Speaker D:Right, Right.
Speaker C:And so because we just get so wrapped up, confused in this story, I had a young lady who was a swimmer and she had both parents were super unreasonable with expectation and if she didn't win every meet, she would get like abused.
Speaker D:Oh wow.
Speaker C:Physically at times and mentally all the time.
Speaker B:And, and then it didn't just represent.
Speaker C:In her swimming, she was also expected to be 4.0.
Speaker C:So she's expected to be 4.0 in her grades.
Speaker C:She's expected to win every meet and the meets that she loses, she is knows that abuse is going to come both physical and mental.
Speaker C:And this is a story with so many people.
Speaker C:So many people are putting such unreasonable expectations on their children.
Speaker C:And just check yourself and make sure that that's not coming from your lifetime.
Speaker D:And negation when a parent puts an unreasonable expectation.
Speaker D:So I would say I probably I'm guilty of that.
Speaker D:Or in early on in my daughter's life, I think I. I think I thought, if I didn't have them, how could she meet them?
Speaker D:Or if I, If I didn't have an expectation for her, like, what.
Speaker D:What would that mean in terms of her accomplishing things?
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:And.
Speaker D:And I learned with my daughter that she has her own internal expectations and she doesn't need my.
Speaker C:And mine and hers being right curvature too.
Speaker C:She.
Speaker C:She's serious about it and she's hard on.
Speaker B:So, like, when I had that conversation.
Speaker C:When you were feeling stressed with her, and I was like, so she's a bad student.
Speaker C:You're like, no.
Speaker C:So she said, troubled child.
Speaker C:No.
Speaker B:And I kept asking questions.
Speaker C:Everything kept coming back.
Speaker C:No.
Speaker C:Like, I'm looking at you like, well, what's the problem?
Speaker D:And I had, I had so much internal stress.
Speaker D:I don't, like, where would you say, like, was very stressful for me?
Speaker D:And it.
Speaker D:I think I thought I want her to be her best self.
Speaker D:And I didn't know how to go about encouraging her.
Speaker D:I. I think what I realized with the work that we've done is that my daughter needs to be encouraged to be kind to herself because she's already hard.
Speaker D:She doesn't need me being hard on her because that's already happening.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:And so I learned how to support her, which doesn't mean it's perfect.
Speaker D:I mean, I definitely get triggered, but we can have her and I can have an open dialogue and say I'm getting triggered.
Speaker D:And then she responds with, well, that sounds like a personal problem.
Speaker D:She's able to say, separate it a little bit in some.
Speaker D:Which is something that I think kids struggle with with their parents.
Speaker D:But it really is what's happening inside of me.
Speaker D:And it must be a trigger of feeling negated or.
Speaker C:Well, there is just very high standards generationally, even before you.
Speaker D:Okay, right.
Speaker C:And before your family.
Speaker C:And.
Speaker C:And then when you look at your daughter, she's so high standards and she has an ability to be hard on herself, and she's very mentally strong.
Speaker C:So she also has an ability to power through mentally in her life.
Speaker C:And that can be an issue from a parent perspective because the parent might see the child in your daughter's case, she's high achiever too.
Speaker C:And so you may sit back and see how she could be depleting her energy and her need to do so many things really well.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:So, yeah, so let's talk about that.
Speaker D:How can I help her in terms of what are the things I can do to help her?
Speaker C:Well, you've helped her a lot by being a mom.
Speaker C:That's allowed her to have her own growth, which within herself.
Speaker C:Instead of you feeling like you need to micromanage your daughter so that she, you know, becomes the daughter you think she should be, you've learned to not micromanage her, to give her way more freedom at her young age.
Speaker C:But there are also concerns that arise because even though your daughter is amazing at so many things, she's a great student and pianist and cheerleader and a million other things, there's a part of her that's always trying to be more.
Speaker C:And so we just want to consistently acknowledge how great she already is.
Speaker C:That's the best thing you can do for her, is to continue to consistently acknowledge that she is a person who takes action, and her action is super consistent.
Speaker C:And she excels on many levels in many different things that she does.
Speaker C:And so my biggest concern is when ladies deny their energy and they get into a program of powering through mentally in order to handle the load that they're placing on themselves and what comes from that.
Speaker C:And maybe not so much at her young age, but illness comes into play there.
Speaker C:Even as a young person, she could get a cold or flu or she could be exhausted or whatever that may be, but helping someone to understand what they've already done.
Speaker C:Like, let's take a look at what you've already done.
Speaker C:Not what you're going to do, but what have you already done?
Speaker C:Because your greatness is all encompassing.
Speaker C:It's not just about what you do next that's great.
Speaker C:It's about a lifetime of choices where you had an intention and you and the person followed through.
Speaker C:And.
Speaker C:And then there was an outcome.
Speaker C:And then once we get to that outcome, we need a celebration.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker C:We need to look at that.
Speaker C:This is a building moment.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:So.
Speaker C:But I, as an observer and of you and your daughter, I've seen incredible change with you from that day that you were frustrated with me.
Speaker C:And the fact that you were able to hear me, even though you're frustrated with me, really gave clarity to your desire to really do it differently.
Speaker C:And that's what it's always about.
Speaker C:It's always about, are you willing to do something different or do you just want to do it the same old way?
Speaker C:Your daughter still.
Speaker C:Because in the one pattern, she needed your approval.
Speaker C:The other pattern, she needed her father's approval.
Speaker C:So one position, she was all left, I believe, sitting.
Speaker C:And in standing, she was right.
Speaker C:Like you were right standing, which really goes into the challenges because you're right in curve.
Speaker C:She's right in curve.
Speaker C:So two ladies that really think they're right can.
Speaker D:So we're going to have natural challenges.
Speaker C:Well, yes, but once you give that up.
Speaker D:Right, right.
Speaker C:And it's like, no, I.
Speaker C:Who am I to say what's right for you?
Speaker C:I'm going to support your choice, but I'm also your mom, and I'm going to support efficiency.
Speaker C:I'm going to support energy balance.
Speaker C:I'm not going to support depletion.
Speaker C:I'm not going to support you just mentally over pushing yourself and setting up other issues, issues that could play out.
Speaker C:So there is a role to play, but it's not in being like judge, jury, and execution.
Speaker B:It's not in being this person that's withholding approval.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:You're a parent that's learning to give it.
Speaker D:Yes, absolutely.
Speaker C:And.
Speaker C:And your daughter's learning to hopefully give it to herself.
Speaker C:I think she can be too hard on herself.
Speaker C:But that is certainly a generational program, which will take some time.
Speaker C:But she also has been given an incredible amount of freedom as a young person.
Speaker C:You don't see it too much unless it's a situation where you maybe were in, where the parents really do not have a big role they're playing that.
Speaker C:But certainly wasn't your story.
Speaker D:And.
Speaker C:And Mia's father, you know, has really evolved and he's doing some amazing things.
Speaker C:And I haven't seen him since the last time I've seen him, but I've seen how you have shifted, how Mia has shifted and how he has shifted.
Speaker C:And that's beautiful.
Speaker C:That means that we got three people willing to look at it differently and do things differently.
Speaker C:And that's what it's all about, right?
Speaker D:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker D:So just something when you were talking that popped in my mind, I think.
Speaker D:So I think actually what I. I might like, order a cake and, like, put something on it and.
Speaker D:And she might be like, what's that for?
Speaker D:Because there's no real occasion right now, but maybe that's, you know, she enjoys, you know, or chocolate cupcakes or whatever, and just be like, oh, we're gonna celebrate how great you are.
Speaker C:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker C:But you don't have to put her name on it.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:You can just say, hey, pick these cupcakes up because I know you like them.
Speaker D:Yeah.
Speaker C:And I'm just wanting to celebrate how amazing of a daughter you are.
Speaker D:Yeah, right.
Speaker B:Which is different than, oh, I'm going.
Speaker C:To write something on it.
Speaker D:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker D:Yeah.
Speaker D:Yeah.
Speaker C:Because with your daughter, if she wants something, she's going to let you know.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker C:She's going to let you know.
Speaker B:And you don't need to try to.
Speaker C:Figure out what that is.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:But anyway, really, I've seen great change.
Speaker C:I'm looking forward to getting new X rays on your daughter, get new X rays on you.
Speaker C:That would be her second set and your third set.
Speaker B:And we'll be able to really track.
Speaker C:What changes have taken place, because I think a lot of changes have taken place.
Speaker C:But.
Speaker C:But this is a time of foundation for her, and her foundation is about building on her greatness, and that's her journey every day.
Speaker C:And it's so simple to do that.
Speaker C:Just give your best to what you do and always circle back and validate.
Speaker C:So it doesn't matter, like, if I gave my best and I get a C, but I gave my best, than it should be a celebration.
Speaker B:Oh, wow.
Speaker C:You know, this becomes more very challenging for me.
Speaker C:But I stepped up and I gave my best and I ended up getting a C rather than a D or an F. And that's progress.
Speaker C:And that's something that we need to encourage because I was that student when I was little where I struggled so much with my education, and so.
Speaker C:But I turned out okay.
Speaker B:And so we can struggle with things.
Speaker C:When we get the reframe in our mind and we can see ourselves from a different set of eyes, how much possibility can take place.
Speaker C:And, you know, my life, coming from such struggles in my childhood, to work with people every day who are in major struggles in their life and to be able to give them awareness in less than five minutes and give them an adjustment to unlock that stress that they're holding in their body.
Speaker C:It's an extremely powerful gift to give.
Speaker C:So how does it get better than this?
Speaker D:Right, right.
Speaker C:I have a friend that she texts me that, you know, I'll give her some clarity on what I have done, and she'll text, how does it get any better than that?
Speaker D:Right, right, right.
Speaker C:And, you know, here's the thing.
Speaker C:It gets better than that every time you build on the greatness, because then you're building on a foundation of something that's so different than inadequacy.
Speaker C:I can sit back in my life And I can look at so many things I've done so many times, I've stepped up so many times I've given my best sometimes where it didn't work out, but the program's in me, and it's not to show up and give my least.
Speaker C:So if I'm showing up and giving my best, then at the end of the day, that's got to be enough.
Speaker C:And if we can get to that point in our life and we come from that point, as a parent, as a coach, as a teacher, whoever it is, appear.
Speaker C:Because you know, where children are in challenge today is with peers, right?
Speaker C:They struggle with their peers.
Speaker C:Say you are a peer that has abandonment of, say, a father, and say someone else has a father, mother present.
Speaker C:That peer could come at that person just because of what they don't have.
Speaker C:That's triggering in them a feeling of inadequacy, right?
Speaker C:So it's a deep subject.
Speaker C:And this is why we don't get caught up, you know, ever in approval.
Speaker C:We don't ever get caught up in validation.
Speaker C:It may feel great, but it's not.
Speaker C:It's.
Speaker C:It's not something that, you know, most people have mastered.
Speaker C:So we need to be careful when someone's giving these attributes, if they haven't mastered them, if you have mastered them, it doesn't matter if they master them.
Speaker C:And it should be stated, well, I give my best, and I always celebrate it.
Speaker C:So I'm not here needing this from you.
Speaker C:And it's okay that you're unable to give that because I am stepping up and I'm giving that to me.
Speaker C:And in that moment, that person becomes the teacher to the wounded, right?
Speaker C:Because the wounded says, oh, well, no one ever gave that to me.
Speaker C:Like you say to the parent, you say, well, when's the last time you told yourself you love yourself?
Speaker C:They say, never.
Speaker C:Okay, well, you know what I'm learning to do every day?
Speaker C:Tell myself I love myself.
Speaker C:And, you know, I'm feeling really good.
Speaker B:About who I am.
Speaker C:And then the parent says, wow, you do that.
Speaker C:I've never done that.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker C:And you get the parent to do it.
Speaker C:Transforms their whole life.
Speaker C:One simple thing, you know, the one simple thing is master love for self.
Speaker C:You master love for self.
Speaker C:That simple thing, everything changes, right?
Speaker C:So I can love me even if you don't like me, or I can love me even if you think I fell short, right?
Speaker C:Or if I work for you.
Speaker C:It's okay if I understand that you came from unreasonable expectations and nothing that ever you did was validated.
Speaker C:Then I shouldn't go into that work dynamic with this fantasy that you're going to validate me and tell me how great I am.
Speaker C:No, I'm going to be your best salesperson ever and you're going to tell me the next year how I did the best that you've ever seen.
Speaker C:But we want more out of you this year.
Speaker C:That's how the program works.
Speaker C:It's always about more, right?
Speaker B:Not about what we already have and.
Speaker C:What we've already built.
Speaker D:Right?
Speaker D:So I think people can relate to everything you're saying and we'll explore and dive even deeper.
Speaker A:This is a broadcast of the Adjusting youg Life Podcast produced by Adjusted Life Media.
Speaker A:All information contained in this episode and all other content provided on this channel is for informational and entertainment purposes.
Speaker A:This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
Speaker A:If you or someone you know is experiencing a medical emergency, please contact your local emergency services.
Speaker A:Dr. Stephen M. Ward, D.C. is a board certified doctor of chiropractic medicine licensed in the State of California, county of Los Angeles.
Speaker A:The Adjusting youg Life Podcast is written and produced by Executive Producer Producer Jamie Knapp and co produced by Kennedy hall and Dr. Stephen Ward as Dr. Steve.
Speaker A:For more information or to connect with us, visit adjustingyourlifepodcast.com.
